Leo: You’re going to feel an urge to go to the bathroom at some point today. Fight it. It’s a trap.
Aries: Tonight is your night. But if nothing happens, it’s probably because you just didn’t try hard enough.
Taurus: Take note of the next person who disagrees with you. They are not to be trusted.
Gemini: You’re going to have an emotional crisis soon. But as long as you keep a positive outlook, you’ll make it through the loss of your arms.
Cancer: Kill any Taurus’s before they find out about you.
Virgo: Today’s going to be a great day for you, as long as you don’t spend too much time reflecting on your life and aspirations.
Libra: Yogurt at your local grocer is on sale. Take advantage of that.
Scorpio: You don’t believe in horoscopes, but that won’t change the fact that I’m right about your imminent hair loss.
Sagittarius: Don’t finish anything you start today, or you’ll forget what it
Capricorn: Be decisive today. You can’t keep that guy tied up in the basement forever.
Aquarius: Be creative.
Pisces: Your lifelong crush just changed their profile picture to a confederate flag.